This particular piece of writing has been bubbling forth for some time. It has also met a ton of resistance. I usually write blogs for the internet on my laptop, yet I am traveling and forgot my charger. I have my iPad, yet for some reason I cannot open my website on it to write. So here I am, on my fancy new iPhone writing this piece so it can be off my chest and into the world. So it can be medicine for others as well. Today is a new day, a new season, and I am becoming a new woman.
Mabon; Fall Equinox here in the Northern Hemisphere and Spring Equinox in the Southern Hemisphere. It certainly feels like fall today, as I sit here on a rainy, balmy Saturday morning in my former place of residence, Austin TX. I feel The Fall very close to my heart this season. I am in a period of the deepest grief I have ever known, sitting on the edge of completion of what has been the hardest year of my life. This last year has shown me the darkest parts of my shadow, shown me the amazing capability I have to create the life I love deeply, and then also the capability to completely destroy it. Yes, I have seen the fullness of the spectrum of light; and some of it is dark indeed. This darkness was calling to the light within me, to expose it, to love it, to lead it home. As I am at my own doorstep, with this bundle of discoveries, I find myself realizing the Welcome Mat needs to be dusted off and the garden tended. The brush has grown high and the paint is cracking. I can still see the fire glowing when I peek through the window, but the fire needs stoking, the wood replenished, the Keeper of The Flame needing a moment to rest. I am home now, here to fetch wood, carry water, tend the flame, and do my work. When you feel like you have lost everything you have ever known there is nothing left to do but put your head down in prayer, remain humble to the pain, and keep your chest lifted for God to fill your heart and hearth with replenishing love. Truly, there is nothing else.
The Fall. A time to observe what seeds took to the souls soil and which ones did not. Not all seeds are viable. Not all life makes it. Death has just as much of a role in life as life itself. In fact, they are two sides of the same coin. In the Christian teachings of my childhood, we are promised that one day death will be overcome and there will be no pain or sorrow in it. I trust this is obtainable here, on Earth, as we learn to feel the sensations of loss, yet realize that even the pain is impermanent, just as the joy. Again, sorrow and joy are the same being. In the words of Khalil Gibran in The Prophet, sorrow carves a hole only joy can fill. The seeking of only pleasure denies us the full experience of sorrow, which in turn robs us of the full expression of joy. Ironic, yes. Yet, this Universe seems to be nothing more than loops of time and spirals of experience, everything coming back to Its Source after a wide and worthy ripple. In truth, I have learned this year that if you let someone who trusts you Fall on their face in your care, odds are that you will in turn feel what that same Fall feels like. You will share and know the sorrow you caused intimately, for this is how we free ourselves from ego. We see how our actions have effects on not just the other, but also ourselves. We develop a type of compassion that can only be honed by the experience of personal loss and pain. Then we can relate. Not just sympathize, but EMPATHize. We feel the oneness; Not through all of the hyped up ‘We Are One New Age Bullshit’, but through real and authentic consequence of choices made and words spoken. It can’t be contrived, and when it cuts deep, the pain of your own creation…. oh how we wish it was a ride we could jump off of.
Alas, we must sit and stew in our own soul soup. Lay in the bed we made. Look in the mirror and acknowledge how far we have fallen from Grace. These moments can almost feel paralyzing, and rightfully so. The Fall is a moment of stillness, stunned on the ground at rock bottom, to honor and give thanks for what is dying. Then comes Winter, the cold and darkest night, where we sit with the empty space that Death gifts us. From this place of still surrender, the chrysalis is formed, we become liquid, and then eventually take form again and resurrection is real.
Let me tell you something I have learned. I want you to really hear this, because it’s the juiciest pearl of wisdom I can share with you at this point in my crucible.
Stay hyper aware and extremely discerning, trusting your gut and heart to tell you The Truth. Not “your truth” that you received from some “download” in ceremony or under the influence of any outside ritual or presence. ‘Your truth’ is often only a half truth, diluted by your conditioned mind and desires. However, THE Truth comes like a fire from heaven, you have nothing to do with it, you didn’t call it forth or pray it into existence. It was always there. It will always be there. Simply acknowledge it, stay humble to it, create right action and thought in its presence and realize that THE Truth might be extremely different than what you have self willed YOUR truth to be. Others will influence you if you are focused on YOUR truth. They will want your truth and their truth to align so they can spread more false truth. The wolves are out. The coyotes are hungry. The disembodied ghosts and souls of those who desire incarnation are always looking to influence YOUR truth, but THE Truth is always waiting to free you. When you are done with all the black magic of inserting your own will into the mix, when you finally feel the distance you have created due to your own desire and insatiable longings… then there is room for THE Truth. My biggest lesson is this; really look around and take an honest inventory of what you have access to in front of you, and give thanks for it. If you think you want to change it, don’t force anything. Let God rearrange it for you so that you don’t create any more karma and suffering for yourself or those around you. Keep your back gate closed and locked or the predators will joyfully enter and snatch your most prized perfections. It happened over here, so this is a fair warning. Be watchful. Check your misuse of Will. Be humble and extremely aware.
Last year at this time I had just completed my Magdalene Pilgrimage to Southern France. I feel now that it’s been a year I can speak on it. The Magdalene called me to these lands, yet the wolves were there waiting. I fell prey to a group of women and a man that did not have my best interest at heart at all, they wanted something from me, and I was so naive I paid them to take it from me. I will write more about this in my next writing offering, because it wasn’t just this one group. I have been entranced by many a “cult”. The cult of fake Christianity, the cult of the New Age, the cult of ‘medicine culture’, the cult of the contorted feminine divinity/womb/blood mysteries and I am here to say beware. Be Aware. Be very, very cautious when treading in these territories, as their are so many false Christ’s, false Magdalene’s, false gurus, false sexual healers, false light workers, possessed channels, false shadow workers, power thirsty priestesses, neo-shamans with many a potion, serpents, black dragons, thieves, narcissists, and this is just a few of the ones you may encounter as you traverse the widened path.
This is why John the Baptist said to those awaiting the Messiah, make straight the Way of The Lord, for truly, we must put our blinders on to the temptations and desires that are like fishing hooks in this ocean of life, waiting to snatch us up and steal our breath.
I know this may feel heavy to read, but it’s THE truth. Not MINE. Truth belongs to no one. We simply observe it and uphold it. We cannot change it or make it ours. We steward Truth. We steward Love. Nothing is ours, and anything we think is ours will slip through our fingers like sand. Like the sands of time. Eternal, yet never for keeps.
This Fall, how will you observe your garden, the front stoop of your soul house? Will you tend to what you see needs repair? Maybe you came into this life with a “fixer upper”, maybe you were blessed to come in with a pristine mansion, either way, how will you tend to and share fully what you have been given? Personally, I feel I have been given a wonderful soul home and for the first time in my life I am blessed to know true heart ache. Yes, I said blessed.
Blessed to know it so that I may grow the most beautiful blooms from these dead and composting pieces of myself. These bits and layers that absolutely had to shed for me to embody Divinity more fully in this life. I have had to die to love. The parts of my soul that resisted loyalty, rebelled against integrity and found twisted pleasure in pain…. these aspects of my soul are being transformed; changed; an alchemical process that has morphed me into a woman that holds a deeper wisdom than before this shift.
Before a a butterfly becomes a butterfly she sheds. Caterpillars often shed many layers of skin before enveloping themselves in the cocoon. They shed and shed and then entomb themselves. Then, they become pure liquid. A full surrender. Formlessness. My prayer is for you, and for me, is to find ourselves in this humble place, nesting in surrender in the Mother’s Cocoon, enveloped in love, trusting this place of liquidity, formlessness, mystery and darkness. This is how the seed of life takes shape. This is how we unfold. How we grow. How we reach for the Light, fresh from the fertile soil of our soul. All the bullshit? Just compost for Gods Garden in Your Heart ❤️ Let the blossoms bloom, then let them weep their withered petals back to the Earth from which they came. 🥀❣️🥀
as you descend, unfurl your wings. Let go of the things. And watch what life brings…🌬