My whole life has recently been turned upside down and inside out due to several factors. I will eventually reveal more, but right now I am still in a place of deconstruction. This past Full Moon has shown me that I have left many pieces of myself on the sidelines of life and now those parts want equal play in the game. Time to get ALL of me on the court. Can you relate? Have you been holding back for fear of fully being seen? Fear of being judged? I will admit it. I have. I forgive myself. In the remaining light of this wild Worm Moon, I confess this and critique myself no longer.
There is a reason why we fear being seen, speaking up, and being real.
There is a part of us that knows deep down, if we speak what is really there, allow certain aspects to rise to the surface, it might piss people off. We might lose something we love. Someone may think badly of us. Well, guess what? That's true. When you speak the truth you have been keeping secret for a hot minute, it very well may explode your reality as you know it. It's risky to even ACKNOWLEDGE your inner truth, let alone SPEAK it out loud. It takes true warriors to let themselves see their own truth, and really freaking BRAVE warriors to let other people in on these deep-seated, underbellies of truth that have stayed in hiding to keep the (false) peace.
Recently, I have allowed my voice to speak truths that I kept silent for a long time, in order to keep other people happy. Those people whom I was attempting to keep happy ended up being two-faced b!tches, so I said f*ck it. I spoke into their lives truths that no one else would speak, and in turn, I was cut off; exiled; excommunicated; uninvited, and purposely left out. This person was very close to me. To my face, she offered support, caring, and open communication. Even helped pay for me to go to the Landmark Forum at one point, so we could have the same set of communication skills. Yet, the moment I let my extremely vulnerable and super intense feelings show, needing to discuss some seriously deep stuff, she bailed and cut me off completely. But hey, I am grateful. This showed me something very powerful. She became my greatest teacher. I realized at that moment that most people cannot handle the truth. Truth isn't usually that pretty. Most people cannot stand beside you to witness the entirety of your experience. They are one way when you are allowing them to control you ever so slightly, and as soon as you break those threads of control and reclaim the parts of your power you handed to them, they show their true colors. Their egos gain strength and rise up strong to try to crumble your truth. Let them. Truth cannot be penetrated with ego based bullshit, and it's up to us to stand in our power earnestly, even if it means we are standing alone. We are never really alone, anyway. I would rather stand 'alone' with God, then in a crowd of cowards.
This was a very powerful lesson for me, and I wanted to share it with you because I feel like you might be going through something similar. I am often a mirror for people, offering a powerful reflection. Most of the time people are very inspired by the reflection I offer them, other times they are so upset by it that they can no longer even look me in the eye or confront me about it at all. It's too bad, really, because I am always up for the deepest, darkest, most shadowy conversations, regardless of how painful it may be for me. I always want to learn about myself and witness with compassion another person in their raw, unfiltered process. I am here to see humanity in its totality. The White Light is a Full Spectrum experience. This is my calling. To experience the Full Spectrum of Divine Light, seen and unseen, to integrate it all, and reflect back to humankind the whole picture, in all of its imperfect beauty and the spiraling complexities of human love. It has been a lonely road and many who say they respect me for following my truth end up falling by the wayside.
This has been very raw for me. It has changed my life. I have so much compassion for this person and her process, even though she won't let me in to get complete. I am again, very grateful for the whole experience because it has shown me three very important things that I needed to acknowledge. In the spirit of this waning Moon, I reveal the deeper truths this conflict has uncovered.
1. The Shadow Is A Potent Teacher.
I have a very powerful shadow. She is raw, angry, and unfiltered. She takes no shit. She has my back. She is a dragoness that breathes fire and burns away shit that is taking up too much space that needs to die and be composted back to the earth. She does not want to hide anymore and has made it clear that if I open my heart to her with love, she will, in fact, guide me to the darkest parts of my soul, that are ready to be brought to light. I no longer fear her and welcome her as a sister, ally, teacher and equal. She tells me not to worry about other peoples lack of integrity and to move forward and never look back. This shadow is a She-Beast, and I am in awe of this inner warrior that I have created through disenchanted relations and repressed sexuality. She isn't letting me get away with anything anymore, and for this, I am respectfully humbled. Darkness is a gift when we can embrace and match it with the light of ruthless compassion.
2. Censorship of authentic self is not serving anyone.
I have a tendency to censor myself in order to keep a sense of false self that does not ruffle others feathers. This is BS and I cannot let this continue. The people who really love me in my life will accept me fully for who I am and what I am up to, messy emotions and all. I got off of FB for a couple months because I realized I was creating a persona that felt safe to show the world. I wanted validation and "likes". I got them. It was unsatisfying and I did not feel like I was really showing all of myself. When I started to reveal the less attractive aspects of myself, slowly but surely people started unfollowing, unfriending and unsubscribing to my list. The beautiful part about this is that I found myself giving zero f*cks. With this most recent situation where my truth blew up my fake relationship with this woman, I realized that people really like you when you are "mostly" yourself, but when you show your whole self, people get very uncomfortable and don't want to look at the parts of themselves you are clearly reflecting. Let them hide. But not me, I won't hide anymore. If I want to unleash and be in service as my most amazing, creative, innovative, wealthy, sexually satisfied, fully loved, wholly appreciated self, I have to have the courage to let ALL of the rest of my dark parts and murky roots be seen, too. I saw myself censoring the parts that reflect the dark, but this will never allow ALL of my light, the full spectrum to be seen. We have to fully express ourselves, to be fully received in this life.
3. Everything is a Mirror
You can either look into the mirror, turn away from the mirror, or shatter the mirror. In this example that I have shared, I chose to use this relationship as a mirror that I am still looking at closely. I saw something very horrifying. I saw the one inside of me who wanted to blame this woman for the upset in my life. She did catalyze it to a degree (which I am humbly in gratitude for), but my choices are my choices. How I chose to feel about someone, and their choices is also my choice. I found myself “calling her out” on being controlling, and in reality, I had an expectation that we would connect and eventually everything would be alright. Well, my inner expectation is the same thing as her display of control. I wanted to control the outcome. Instead, everything crumbled. It did not turn out the way I thought it would. I realized she was my mirror. Now, I am taking a closer look at the “log in my own eye” of desiring to always be in control. Even though I saw parts of her that I will not accept into my life, and had to set boundaries, the most important aspect of this lesson is that I HAVE TO BE ABLE TO HANDLE THE TRUTH MYSELF, and have NO ATTACHMENT to how another person receives it. I have been up against a lot of mirrors lately, and it’s one of the most uncomfortable initiations of my life so far. I have seen so many things that disgust me, so I look inside to see where they are also a part of my shadow self. This Hall of Mirrors is no Fun House, that’s for sure.
In conclusion, this She Beast that is within me needs to be seen on the daily, instead of just those moments where she bursts forth, frothing at the mouth, from the cage I have kept her in. It is really vital to speak the truth in a way that is careful to create harm. When we suppress ourselves, usually we end up blowing up and it DOES create harm. So, be willing to witness what arises moment to moment, so that this truth that you have been feeling for so long doesn’t just blast everyone else around you out of the water once you finally allow it to be free. I think they call it tact. Not my strongest quality. Still working on that one.
It feels very vulnerable to share such real life experiences so publicly on my blog, but I am committed to transparency and my stories being a conduit for change. May my microcosmic life be a prayer and seed for change on a macrocosmic level. May all beings everywhere be free.