Loving with An Open Hand: Reflections on Letting Go

A Half Open Hand 


The moon is waxing on. 🌗

We are half way there, for this portion of the cycle, anyway.

Like Mr. Myagi said, “wax on, wax off”.

Master the basics.

Each moment a passing phase, like the moon.

Like a wave, it crashes, passes on, and the shore holds on to nothing. 

I doubt the sand misses each wave once she withers and foams away. For it’s a ‘shore’ thing that another wave is always on the way….

This waxing silver sphere with these balmy Florida sea breezes 🌊 brings me to a sweet surrender in time a space. I recognize that even though it seems slow, the seasons really do change, and that time is the only thing that heals all wounds. When we track the descent of the evening star ~*Venus*~ as she makes her passage all the way down through this mystical retrograde cycle, we finally come to ‘grips’ with one simple fact: it’s time to let go.

What is the action of letting go? 🍂

For the character in this ancient tale we have been tracking through Venus retrograde, Inanna Queen of Heaven, the “letting go” is symbolized in her releasing of the articles of garments (symbols for our different energetic bodies, layers of ego, vices and patterns, identities, ‘masks’, etc), and eventually, her own life. Beyond her own life even, the life of her husband (which begins to correlate to the sun/masculine, the Darkest Night of the Year / Death-Birth / Return of the Sun/Son, The Winter Solstice, etc.) So, there are many layers here, many postures in this process, and we are half way there. 

The descent is just the beginning. After we arrive, we release.

We are now to the point of letting go.

It’s not just a story about Venus, or Inanna. It’s about YOU. Me. Us. Now.

That is what these ancient stories are preserved for, to teach us and show us that the human experience is a journey, a hero’s journey, with many phases, seasons, and changes.

In every story, especially our own, we come to a point where we must relax our grip on life. Letting go is not really an action, it is more of a shift in season and perspective. 👁

I am about to get pretty personal here and let you in on some of the circumstances in my life that have led me to such an authentic process of letting go. In my own grief work that I am doing, I have really appreciated the book ‘When Things Fall Apart’ by Pema Chodrön. It talks about the concept of feeling what you are feeling (ie. the loss of a partnership/grief) and allowing your pain to be a point of contact between you and ALL of the people who may be feeling that way in this very moment in the world and sending them compassion. I have been really vibing this teaching, and this particular article is my way of saying I FEEL YOU ALL OUT THERE! I feel you so hard. To those of you experiencing loss and pain and grief, I want you to know that you are not alone, and that we are ALL going through some level of letting go of a former life. My level of compassion has increased during this time of release and losing, and this is one of the ironies of life’s lessons; Compassion increases when we have a season of sorrow, death, loss and change. Letting go means making space to feel it all, the love, the loss, the depth, the carving out of a piece of your self, making room for more love, for something bigger than us. 🌎

The personal part is this. I am letting go of a long term partnership to a man I love very deeply. He loves me, too. We were best friends before we chose to make a life together. We promised to be friends even if it ended. Our love is supernatural and very tangible, with an energy of its own accord. It created a lot of blessings in the lives of others, maybe you were on the receiving end of this. We have a true soul connection, and the beauty between us will forever inspire me and many others. I was a part of his family and he a part of mine, I helped to co-parent his three amazing children with his ex-wife and her new wife. It was so far from being simple, but I enjoyed this collaboration with family very much. It was rewarding and filled with lessons. Together, me and my boo created spectacular events that inspired hundreds of people, traveled to beautiful places and lived a very blessed life of ceremony and adventure. We laughed A LOT! We had amazing communication. 🗣 Love making was a prayer and quite astounding. It felt easy most of the time....until it didn’t. As beautiful as it was, there are always opposing forces at play. Life threw us a crazy set of curve balls. Everything became uprooted and destabilized. Literally, everything changed and felt turned upside down. Baby Mama wanted to move the kids to FL. So, we went a long for the transition. Bye Bye Austin (aka community, ceremonial circles, career, and epic tacos). Hello total Mystery.....

Arriving in Florida was the ultimate shakedown. What had worked before wasn’t working at all here, and the amount of resistance around housing, employment and stability was too much. Even though there was family support, the lack of community, dwindling funds, and no home of my own took it’s toll on me. A sudden and severing shift in my relationship with his ex-wife was the straw that broke the camels back. The one woman I thought who would have my back after asking me to support her in creating a new life with the children disconnected from me and never spoke to me again. She uninvited me/us to family events, even after we moved across the country to be with the kids, eventually admitting that she purposefully wanted to cut me out of her life, saying “it was just easier when I wasn’t around”. These were words from the same woman who only weeks before had thanked me for making this commitment to the family unit, promising to help support us in the transition, which uprooted our whole lives. I lost it, pretty much went into full meltdown mode, and took space to myself and went home to my mom and dad, spending the holidays in a very dark place of silence and seclusion. Time seemed to stand still and speed up all at once and before I knew it, in what seemed like a flash and also a drawn out process, I stand on the other side of it reflecting our five years together and the aftermath of our “conscious uncoupling” in May. I made choices during this time (rebounding with a narcissist, more on that in future writing) that I look at with hindsight and wished I had done differently. Priceless Wisdom gained, but a true love lost. I see where I created harm and where I hurt my beloved. I see where I felt betrayed, abandoned and unsafe. I see where the wounding took over and where our love all of sudden wasn’t enough. I also see where my soul made space to this deep work that absolutely had to get done in this life, no matter the cost. I also see where I have been strong in my connection to God, trusting that My Creator is guiding me, like a lighthouse on a stormy sea. I see that this process was inevitable, and that I am still seeing the bigger picture as it unfolds before me. I had to let go of my whole life. I am still letting it go. (and this is just the relationship part….I also quit participating in “ceremonies” during all of this, which is another article in the making. Letting go of “spiritual communities” and “guru’ roles that were not serving me is another huge aspect of this I will touch on very soon…stay tuned…)

In letting go, we see ourselves more fully, and this is not a pretty picture in totality. 

I saw my own shadows, and the shady sides of those around me.

I lost trust in others including myself, but gained a LOT of trust in myself through the process.

I blamed everyone else. I blamed myself. I blamed God. 

Now, I’ve thanked everyone else, thanked myself, and thanked God.

I’ve cried cried and tried and tried to get it back to the way it was.

I still cry, yet accept it will never be the same again. Giving so much thanks for what was.

I’ve begged and pleaded for it be different than it is.

I have stopped the begging, and accept it will definitely be different and maybe not the way I thought or hoped it would, and to stay tuned into what is showing itself.

I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed for clarity and understanding and guess what?...

This is it. 

God said, “It IS clear. Let go”.

Letting go brings the clarity, not the other way around. 💎

I thought, I will let go. And then I realized, I actually just have to stop holding on.

No longer can I cling to the past as a possible future. 

To get clear, let go. 

To clear the way, let the past go. 

To clear your mind, let the thoughts go. 

There will never be a thought that will help you clear your mind...

I thought to myself, I need to let go. 

And the I realized, it’s already gone. 

I am not holding on to anything other than the memories, which feel painful and inspiring all at once. The memories are like an access point to the love, but the pain comes in realizing it is gone in the form it was in and it won’t be coming back in that same form ever again. I now let them just come and then go, those memories. It is a continual process. Every moment is a letting go. The actual thought that you are holding on is the illusion. There is nothing to hold. You have already let go, for you never had anything in your hand to begin with.

As the moon is half full my hands are half open. 

The door to my heart, as well. ❣️

I am simultaneously letting it go and letting it in.

Like brackish water; some salty ocean water flowing into the fresh water river and some fresh water from the river flowing into the deep ocean. A semi-permeable membrane. There is a lot leaving and a lot arriving. 

I am doing my best to take deep breaths in between. 

Letting go is taking a pause.

Letting go is feeling the slight space between an inhale....and an exhale.

Letting go is feeling the pain and not attaching shame or guilt to the story.

Letting go is doing your best to take care of yourself.

Letting go is truly letting someone else just BE.

Letting go is focusing on the moment, not the past.

Letting go is discovering you are not your masks.

Letting go is letting yourself be free to change.

Break ups are tough. Change is rarely a smooth shifting, and often times un-welcomed.

Sometimes it’s easy to say “Well, he was an asshole anyway”, or, “he just wasn’t the one for me”. But I know better because my former love was not an asshole, and he easily could have been the one. He isn’t perfect, (who is?), but close enough to help me see that what we had was suuuuuuuper special and I can’t ever settle for anything less. So, I don’t really get to use those verbal cop outs and I am glad for that. I am beyond grateful, really. The only reason my grief runs so deep is because my love ran even deeper, to very core of my existence. The love between Kellen and I carved a deep river bed for so much emotion to flow. At first, this passage was grooved with a rushing river of devotion in motion so deep it created chasms, canyons, and valleys of virtue based beauty and sweetness centered soul-quenching courtship. Many of you reading this witnessed it, and were changed by it. How BLESSED am I to have known such a love! This river of love never ran dry, but it’s path was diverted by both natural and self-created causes. Now, new waters run across this smooth and well worn rock bottom, rich with the sediment of sentiment, reverence, humility, somber surrender, wisdom, understanding, compassion, trust, strength, and sovereignty. This new flow is leaving fresh layers of nutrients, infused with a refined sense of loyalty, integrity, creative fulfillment and alignment with Divine Will. I realize this one thing; my love with this one amazing person represents my ability to relate with THE Beloved, AS The Beloved. It is not an external person. This is one thing we can never lose and do not have to let go of. As a matter of fact, it is the only thing I desire to “cling” to; my connection to Source. It’s more of a deep reverence, a cherishing. Like a thread of light, I know it will never let go of me nor I of it, because it IS me. How can you let go of your own essence? You can’t let go of the very thing that you ARE.

The love I was blessed to steward with that man, and every one before him, including deep friendships and familial bonds is here within me. The relationship I cultivated within MYSELF is the most authentic, real gem and gift of this whole thing, and the string of moments and men that led me here, back to my self. My Soul. The point of origin. Sure, I am “letting go” of a LOT of people; not just my partner, but his children, his mom, dad, sisters, even the mother of his kids and her wife I considered close friends and I valued my relationship with all of them. I feel extremely fortunate to still have a foundation of friendship with him and his blood family, yet it’s not the same. Of course there were many times I was totally overwhelmed by the amount of presence and responsibility I felt obliged to uphold, and feel a certain freedom being relieved of these expectations. It really tested me and my ability to feel free to “be myself”, the position of I had put myself in. I moved through it less than gracefully at times, and who knows what the other side of the story looks like. Now, after the release of these roles, I am feeling the emptiness where there was once an abundance of time spent with a whole family. There is a letting go, yes, but more so an allowing of spaciousness that I have not felt in a very long time. I also value this spaciousness for my former boo. He deserves it, too. There is pain, (lots of it) yet I am allowing and welcoming of this feeling, for beneath the pain it feels like I am finally at home again. This experience has been a rebirth; and it feels like conception and gestation are all happening as well, at the same time. We are operating on many levels in every moment!

All I can speak on is my personal experiences and stories I relate to, trusting it will translate and resonate in the lives of those who need to hear it. Letting go is an experience that is NOT unique to humans, but we tend to make it the most dramatic and poetic of all the Creatures. The tree does not “pine” for leaves lost, and the rose does not weep for dropped petals. 🥀 The sun still shines even when we can’t see it and the animal kingdom seems to be at peace with the natural way of letting it in, and letting it go. 🌤 As a human being walking through a season of change, I offer my experience as a gift and resource for those looking for the lighthouse. I am not the light itself, but I am the lighthouse, a carrier of the torch.

May you find the Light Within, and trust that it will guide you all the way home. 🌟

Let Go & Let God,

Shellie Marie 🧜🏼‍♀️

A Prayer For Letting Go

Beloved Mother Father God,

Thank you for my life. 

I am grateful to take this breath into this body as your Divine Child. Thank you for the blessings in my life and please help me to have the eyes to see even more blessings and favors from you all around me. May all beings feel and see your bounty for them.

Creator, I call to you today to ask for your help. Thank you for always helping me and showing me which way to walk, one foot in front of the other. At this time I am in a season of change, and feeling the pains of separation and grief. I ask you to please help me quiet my mind and I ask for you to bestow peace over my heart. Where there are thoughts of regret and remorse, help me to simply feel the sensations in my body and let go of any stories I may be holding that do not serve my mental, emotional or physical well being. I let go of control. Please take the wheel. I chose to release the past with ease and grace and trust that You will hold me in your hand as I let go of the known, and allow you to guide me through the Unknown.

Thank you for all of the times I have felt safe to change. Thank you for this opportunity to change and step into an even greater calling over my life. Thank you for this time to develop trust, compassion and new neural pathways in my mind that will lead to easier transitions in the future. I trust that My Will and Divine Will are being aligned and that You are truly working a miracle in my life. I am open to seeing the beauty that is in store for me, and thankful for this time to heal myself and prepare to receive the good things coming. Thank you God for hearing my prayer and request for peace, grace, healing, restored faith and strength during this time of letting go and changing seasons. Thank you for my life, and for the many blessings within it. May all beings be free from suffering.

In Yeshuas Name, Amen.

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Additional Notes and Offerings:

To watch my most recent facebook LIVE download click here. I talk about letting go and sing you a little song by the sea <3

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To work with me 1:1 for guidance and support as we sail the se of life, email me at ShellieMarieWhite@gmail.com and we will set up a time to chat and be sure we are the right fit.

Let Go Let God