Create. Love. Destroy.

Have you ever seen one of those beautifully made mandalas that Tibetan Buddhist monks create from colored sand and crushed rocks?

They are truly breathtaking. And there is more to them than meets the eye.

The devotion, incredible attention to detail, the time, the commitment, the reverence and then the imminent destruction of the amazing art piece makes these creations truly unique. A team of monks may spend weeks creating this extremely intricate offering. Literally placing the sand grain by grain to form sacred symbols that ultimately bring the prayerful practice together into an exquisite experience for our eyes to take in. The actual creation is just one aspect of the offering itself. The monks then pray over the sand mandala. They pray for the world and all of her inhabitants. Then, they destroy it.

With love, devotion and specific ritual, they swirl all of the sand together and sweep it into an urn, along with all of the devotion and prayers. Ceremonially, they take the sand that was once beautiful art as an offering to the water and pour it into the ocean or river, letting the prayers go into the world for healing. Why do the monks do this? To remind themselves and all of us that life is impermanent and that the nature of all things is ever-changing, temporary, always passing. 

Today I changed my name on facebook from Shellie White Light back to my birth name of Shellie Marie White. That may not seem like a big deal, but to me, it is. This name was an identity. A mask. A work of art. I created Shellie White Light piece by piece, word by word, prayer by prayer, through many performances, practices, and associations with certain people. It was a wardrobe, a style of makeup, a character for festivals. It was a dogma, a doctrine, a discipline. It was a way of life, a certain standard of perfection, simply one small section of the infinite tapestry that I AM, woven and wise. As I lovingly let it go, I let this aspect of my "self" be released back to the waters of the world. It is a prayer. I am not my name. I am an ever evolving and changing devotional work of art.

Seven years ago I changed my name from Shellie White to Shellie White Light. When I did this I was in a dark place, a deep seeking and searching, and in a powerful inquiry that came from the most primal parts of my being. I was in a very abusive relationship with a man named Wolf. He was not just an aggressive lover, he was also my greatest teacher. He showed me many aspects of myself that I am still examining and embracing to this day. I was so immersed in my shadow through his reflection that I could not see it as myself. Instead of integrating my shadow and learning how to become one with her, I decided to make her invisible by shining the brightest light I could muster from within and around myself onto her and into every part of my life.

It was then I took on the name White Light. In all honesty, I saw myself as "The White Light" before I met Wolf; before we became so enmeshed that I forgot who I was. So, in the depths of our darkness, I was able to pull myself up and out by taking on this name, Shellie White Light. Taking this name helped me remember who I was in my darkest, most powerless moments. I would not let the darkness in, I would not let the darkness win. I became the light. I only let the light in. I abandoned my shadow, I forced her towards the back of my psyche. I left her in her time of greatest need, and recently I have opened the door to her again and we have become close again. My last blog is all about this re-acquaintance. The last year of my life has been all about my merging with her. She was on the back burner far too long, but it was not in vain. My time spent in the light shed some very needed clarity on the darkness in my life, and through this blending of light and dark, I have come to know myself in a very intimate and wonderful way.

During my time as Shellie White Light, I have inspired many. I really loved the person I let myself develop into during this time. Seriously! It was so much freaking fun. I dressed in all white, adorning my face with sparkles and glitter, smiling and shining and hooping and being a fountain of positivity and loving affirmations. I went to ALL the festivals. I took ALL the workshops. I immersed myself in all things New Age and dove head first into self-help and personal development practices. I went to yoga training, meditated in a 10-day silent vipassana program, traveled with a Qi Gong seminar around the country, and spent much of my time studying with shamans and in plant medicine ceremony. I traveled to many different countries and learned as much as I could about the spiritual practices native to those lands. I learned a LOT about conscious communities. I discovered just how powerful the light can be. It is a very potent force that is encoded in every cellular strand of our being! My intense immersion into the light transformed me in every way I could have imagined and prayed for and beyond. I danced on the most beautiful realms of the universe that I could travel to.

I loved every moment of being the perceived embodiment of The White Light.

I also discovered something even more intriguing... a lot of the "light" that I encountered was false.

That's right, fake light.

Spiritual Bypassing. Charlatans. Cultural Misappropriation. Psycho-Spiritual Sexual Predators. Festival goers with their kundalini blasted so wide open they didn't know their ass from a hole in the ground. Complete misuse of psychedelics and sacred plants disguised as "ceremony". Total misuse of sexual power by women claiming the names of different goddesses and Mary Magdalene. "Teachers" relaying information as experts that had just barely learned in weekend workshops. New Agers backlashing hard from Christianity and basically taking on satanic black magic without really knowing what they were doing. Womb "wisdom" courses that were far from the teachings of Yeshua / Mary Magdalene they claimed to be based on. Channelers that were open to any "guide" that gave them power, leading them to take obscene amounts of money from the sheep who bought into it. This is just the beginning.

I saw the dark side of 'the light'.

This is part of why I have chosen to let go of the Light as my identity. I have found that in the shadows there is an entire aspect of reality that I have been ignoring. I was pushing my pain away, not dealing with it. I was moving from spiritual guru to guru only to find that once I really looked at the personal lives of these 'gurus' I was being totally fooled. They were not who they portrayed themselves to be. After hundreds of ayahuasca ceremonies, I discovered I felt unable to connect to God without the use of the plants, and I needed time to integrate and repair my auric field. After learning dozens of ancient Eastern practices I realized I still lived in a Western culture and that many of these practices were too advanced for my Western way of life, confusing me even further. I realized that yes, my attempted embodiment of the light was a beautiful experiment and work of art, and yes, it was also me hiding from many aspects of myself that were not so sparkling, but alas, still me. Still beautiful.

Instead of allowing the concept of White Light to be the focal point of my identity, I am letting it go to become integrated into the totality of my Beingness. I have embodied it. The mandala is complete. I release it to the universal ocean. I release it to the cosmic rivers. It is still an aspect of who I am, as the White Light is the inclusion of every shade on the infinite spectrum. 

So here I stand as Shellie Marie White. Light, Shadows and everything in between. Every grain of my existence relevant and seen. Allowing the fullness of my being to be realized and embodied. I am not the sum of my experiences. I am the Path itself.

Thank you for being with me and witnessing these deeper processes.  I share them because they are for you, too. We are each other's mirrors until the day comes when we realize there is no mirror, but until that day, I offer you a transparent reflection. Truth seen from my eyes. I pray it serves you well. It is not always easy, but it is my pleasure and duty to share it with you, so we can all grow.

May you lovingly shed that which no longer serves you, as you shake and wake from the long Winter slumber. Like sand to the sea, prayers to the Creator and art for the sake of destruction, let it go without expectation. I have a feeling you will witness a miracle. I know I have.

If you would like to donate to here is the link. We are privileged in this life and responsible in giving what we can to help others less fortunate. Tibet is a beautiful land with ancient ways that deserve preservation. Donate here.




 Photo by Peter Lafford Emerge 2014

Photo by Peter Lafford Emerge 2014

The Illumination and Taming of The She~Beast

Holy Hell.

My whole life has recently been turned upside down and inside out due to several factors. I will eventually reveal more, but right now I am still in a place of deconstruction. This past Full Moon has shown me that I have left many pieces of myself on the sidelines of life and now those parts want equal play in the game. Time to get ALL of me on the court. Can you relate? Have you been holding back for fear of fully being seen? Fear of being judged? I will admit it. I have. I forgive myself. In the remaining light of this wild Worm Moon, I confess this and critique myself no longer.  

There is a reason why we fear being seen, speaking up, and being real.

There is a part of us that knows deep down, if we speak what is really there, allow certain aspects to rise to the surface, it might piss people off. We might lose something we love. Someone may think badly of us. Well, guess what? That's true. When you speak the truth you have been keeping secret for a hot minute, it very well may explode your reality as you know it. It's risky to even ACKNOWLEDGE your inner truth, let alone SPEAK it out loud.  It takes true warriors to let themselves see their own truth, and really freaking BRAVE warriors to let other people in on these deep-seated, underbellies of truth that have stayed in hiding to keep the (false) peace.

Recently, I have allowed my voice to speak truths that I kept silent for a long time, in order to keep other people happy. Those people whom I was attempting to keep happy ended up being two-faced b!tches, so I said f*ck it. I spoke into their lives truths that no one else would speak, and in turn, I was cut off; exiled; excommunicated; uninvited, and purposely left out. This person was very close to me. To my face, she offered support, caring, and open communication. Even helped pay for me to go to the Landmark Forum at one point, so we could have the same set of communication skills. Yet, the moment I let my extremely vulnerable and super intense feelings show, needing to discuss some seriously deep stuff, she bailed and cut me off completely. But hey, I am grateful. This showed me something very powerful. She became my greatest teacher. I realized at that moment that most people cannot handle the truth.  Truth isn't usually that pretty. Most people cannot stand beside you to witness the entirety of your experience. They are one way when you are allowing them to control you ever so slightly, and as soon as you break those threads of control and reclaim the parts of your power you handed to them, they show their true colors. Their egos gain strength and rise up strong to try to crumble your truth. Let them. Truth cannot be penetrated with ego based bullshit, and it's up to us to stand in our power earnestly, even if it means we are standing alone. We are never really alone, anyway. I would rather stand 'alone' with God, then in a crowd of cowards.

This was a very powerful lesson for me, and I wanted to share it with you because I feel like you might be going through something similar. I am often a mirror for people, offering a powerful reflection. Most of the time people are very inspired by the reflection I offer them, other times they are so upset by it that they can no longer even look me in the eye or confront me about it at all. It's too bad, really, because I am always up for the deepest, darkest, most shadowy conversations, regardless of how painful it may be for me. I always want to learn about myself and witness with compassion another person in their raw, unfiltered process. I am here to see humanity in its totality. The White Light is a Full Spectrum experience. This is my calling. To experience the Full Spectrum of Divine Light, seen and unseen, to integrate it all, and reflect back to humankind the whole picture, in all of its imperfect beauty and the spiraling complexities of human love. It has been a lonely road and many who say they respect me for following my truth end up falling by the wayside.

This has been very raw for me. It has changed my life. I have so much compassion for this person and her process, even though she won't let me in to get complete. I am again, very grateful for the whole experience because it has shown me three very important things that I needed to acknowledge. In the spirit of this waning Moon, I reveal the deeper truths this conflict has uncovered.

1. The Shadow Is A Potent Teacher.
I have a very powerful shadow.  She is raw, angry, and unfiltered. She takes no shit. She has my back. She is a dragoness that breathes fire and burns away shit that is taking up too much space that needs to die and be composted back to the earth. She does not want to hide anymore and has made it clear that if I open my heart to her with love, she will, in fact, guide me to the darkest parts of my soul, that are ready to be brought to light. I no longer fear her and welcome her as a sister, ally, teacher and equal. She tells me not to worry about other peoples lack of integrity and to move forward and never look back. This shadow is a She-Beast, and I am in awe of this inner warrior that I have created through disenchanted relations and repressed sexuality. She isn't letting me get away with anything anymore, and for this, I am respectfully humbled. Darkness is a gift when we can embrace and match it with the light of ruthless compassion.

2. Censorship of authentic self is not serving anyone.
I have a tendency to censor myself in order to keep a sense of false self that does not ruffle others feathers. This is BS and I cannot let this continue. The people who really love me in my life will accept me fully for who I am and what I am up to, messy emotions and all. I got off of FB for a couple months because I realized I was creating a persona that felt safe to show the world. I wanted validation and "likes". I got them. It was unsatisfying and I did not feel like I was really showing all of myself. When I started to reveal the less attractive aspects of myself, slowly but surely people started unfollowing, unfriending and unsubscribing to my list. The beautiful part about this is that I found myself giving zero f*cks. With this most recent situation where my truth blew up my fake relationship with this woman, I realized that people really like you when you are "mostly" yourself, but when you show your whole self, people get very uncomfortable and don't want to look at the parts of themselves you are clearly reflecting. Let them hide. But not me, I won't hide anymore. If I want to unleash and be in service as my most amazing, creative, innovative, wealthy, sexually satisfied, fully loved, wholly appreciated self, I have to have the courage to let ALL of the rest of my dark parts and murky roots be seen, too. I saw myself censoring the parts that reflect the dark, but this will never allow ALL of my light, the full spectrum to be seen. We have to fully express ourselves, to be fully received in this life.

3. Everything is a Mirror
You can either look into the mirror, turn away from the mirror, or shatter the mirror.  In this example that I have shared, I chose to use this relationship as a mirror that I am still looking at closely. I saw something very horrifying. I saw the one inside of me who wanted to blame this woman for the upset in my life. She did catalyze it to a degree (which I am humbly in gratitude for), but my choices are my choices. How I chose to feel about someone, and their choices is also my choice. I found myself β€œcalling her out” on being controlling, and in reality, I had an expectation that we would connect and eventually everything would be alright. Well, my inner expectation is the same thing as her display of control. I wanted to control the outcome. Instead, everything crumbled. It did not turn out the way I thought it would.  I realized she was my mirror. Now, I am taking a closer look at the β€œlog in my own eye” of desiring to always be in control. Even though I saw parts of her that I will not accept into my life, and had to set boundaries, the most important aspect of this lesson is that I HAVE TO BE ABLE TO HANDLE THE TRUTH MYSELF, and have NO ATTACHMENT to how another person receives it. I have been up against a lot of mirrors lately, and it’s one of the most uncomfortable initiations of my life so far. I have seen so many things that disgust me, so I look inside to see where they are also a part of my shadow self. This Hall of Mirrors is no Fun House, that’s for sure.

In conclusion, this She Beast that is within me needs to be seen on the daily, instead of just those moments where she bursts forth, frothing at the mouth, from the cage I have kept her in. It is really vital to speak the truth in a way that is careful to create harm. When we suppress ourselves, usually we end up blowing up and it DOES create harm. So, be willing to witness what arises moment to moment, so that this truth that you have been feeling for so long doesn’t just blast everyone else around you out of the water once you finally allow it to be free. I think they call it tact. Not my strongest quality. Still working on that one.

It feels very vulnerable to share such real life experiences so publicly on my blog, but I am committed to transparency and my stories being a conduit for change. May my microcosmic life be a prayer and seed for change on a macrocosmic level. May all beings everywhere be free.


 Art By  Deku Baba

Art By Deku Baba

The Spontaneous YES

Spontaneity. A potent medicine for the powerful reset of the regular, and the disruption of poisonous patterns. That is my personal definition of this word and wondrous way of being.

β€˜Spontaneous’ can be defined in several different contexts, and all of them delight me.
Some of the definitions include and are not limited to the following.
β€œPerformed or occurring as a sudden inner impulse or inclination...”
β€œUnplanned, extemporaneous, off-the-cuff...”
When used as an adjective to describe a person, β€œNatural, uninhibited, relaxed, free and easy, open, genuine...” (This one is my fav!)

I write this blog from 33,000 feet as I cross the Pacific for a (mostly) spontaneous one-way-ticket purchase to the Big Island from the East Coast. The opportunity arose several months ago for me to work as the resident massage therapist for Ancient Voices (an amazing Hawaii based retreat hosted by my good sister AyaPapaya), but the intense circumstances of my life stopped me from saying yes. I said β€œno” until the last minute, and then one of my dearest friends helped me see just how β€œpossible” this working vacation actually was for me (thanks, Trinidad!).

Even though it seemed impossible between money and time, once I understood this was an experience arising from INSIDE of me to break this holding pattern I have been in since my uprooting and reluctant upheaval from ATX. As soon as said β€œYes”, and even though odds were against me and I had lots resistance, all of a sudden I had messages in my Messenger and Email to pre-pay and pre-book massage and found an epically priced one-way ticket ($288) from Atlanta. The Universe sometimes just wants to you to take a freakin’ break from all of the intensity that rigidity and expectation can bring! I’m living proof. There are moments when things don’t make sense but you have a very deep desire that must be met. When you say in that authentic and TRUSTING way, moments of breakthrough are all around you!

Since 2009 I have allowed this aspect of existence to permeate me on every level. The benefits have outweighed the negative aspects by far. My sense of adventure has thrived, and there has been more beauty beheld by my eyes than I could have ever asked or dreamed for! Some people may look at my life and judge me. I really just don’t care. I hope they can break through that judgment and feel INSPIRED! My trust in God and allowance for spontaneity and adventure to unfold in mysterious ways has kept me happy, self-employed, feeling free, and given me the opportunity to remind others to LIVE NOW. Yes, right now!

Spontaneity has led me to the sit with elders from the red lands of Australia. It has given me the miracles of swimming naked at sea with dolphins and whales. It has guided me to my career in massage therapy, hoop dance instruction and performance and my role as counselor. Spontaneity has opened up many doorways for me that if I had β€œthought twice” would have closed and I would be living a very different life. As I write this I realize something about myself that I appreciate. I see that it is a real challenge for me to conform to societal norms, especially when I can clearly see the cage that has been created for us to feel β€œfake happy” in. The realization is this; I would rather choose a spontaneous and gut felt YES towards unknown, that leads to life experience and happiness, then do things that appear β€œsafe and normal” that may or may not guarantee success. It has gotten me this far, and of course, will refine, but hey, we are only young once.

As I prepare to arrive in Hawaii to offer my 11 years of cultivated massage medicine for these retreat participants, I give thanks. I give thanks to God for giving me all of the tools I require to create a life that leaves lots of room for the spontaneous yes. I give thanks to my amazing parents, who when I tell them I am leaving on a whim to go work for a couple weeks in HI, they just ask when I’ll be back and if I need a ride to the airport. My mom and dad have always supported my life of adventure, and my next phase is to bring them with me. I give thanks, BIG thanks to the amazing people who I have the blessing to call friends, who see my gifts and invite me to be a part of their events. I have been retreat therapist in many different countries and countless gatherings in the US! I feel so, so lucky to be able to combine my passions for healing, travel, dance, and education. I also have to give big thanks to my amazing clients who truly make this possible by purchasing my services and co-creating very transformational experiences for us both.

This life has been one of not only adventure but deeply satisfying service to others.
I encourage you TODAY to allow room for a spontaneous YES and see what occurs!
Jump in that water, even if it is cold!
Listen to your gut and book that ticket.
Trust your intuition and make that phone call.
Lighten your load and randomly spend a few hours in nature.
Get lost!
Go on an unplanned date.
Do something you have never done!
Watch in wonder as your reality becomes alive, and thriving!

In love and whimsy,

Shellie Marie

PS: Are you interested in learning more about traveling and the art of adventure?
Sign up here to be notified about my free fbLIVE video series I am curating about this very thing. I have been doing life like this since 2008, and I’m just getting started! I have lots to share. Hope to see you there! <3

 Photography by Cadence Feely of Cadencia

Photography by Cadence Feely of Cadencia